As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
