Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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