I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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