6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
