Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Randomize
