Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
