Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
