You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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