My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
