That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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