I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
