I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
