If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
