Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
