I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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