threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
