dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
