Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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