You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
