Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
