You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
