The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
