What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
