Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
