I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
