Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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