well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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