My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
