Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
