Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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