So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
