just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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