it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
