Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
