I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
