1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just cut my nipple shaving
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
