just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
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