Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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