i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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