you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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