you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
