I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
