ya dads aren't the best wingmen
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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