dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
