I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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