yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
