I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
