I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
