Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
