I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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