and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
